Finally Time

When do you decide to actually tackle something you have been putting off for years?

When do you decide that now is the right time? Why was yesterday or last week not the right time?

Graduate School, finally.

These questions I have been grappling with for at least three years now. However, I have finally taken the step toward furthering my education. I have decided to get a Masters degree in Communication. I waited because I did not believe I had the brains or the courage to tackle another degree. A masters degree will be my fourth degree overall.

I want to further my education because I do not feel I can reach my full potential with the skill set I currently have. Most of the professional jobs I am attracted to want a candidate with a Masters degree or equivalent experience. So, here I am filling out applications for Masters programs in Communication. I’m nervous, scared, and very excited because I truly miss being in college.

I am so eager to finally start blogging regularly. I always say that but I never stick to anything. Now that I am actively seeking a Masters degree, I think it is time to actually challenge myself and stick to a schedule of regularly blogging weekly.

I also want to polish my editing skills and by polish I truly mean be ABLE to edit my work and not have pieces littered with grammatical errors all over the place.

School starts in January 2019. I am so ready!!!

I’ve never juggled a full-time job and full-time school before. This should be really interesting!

Fonts, wonderful fonts!

I have become shamelessly addicted to buying/downloading fonts from all over the interwebs. Since I edit my company’s diversity council newsletter, I am always looking for fonts that are sharp, professional and easy to read. That has lead me down a rabbit hole. I’m always looking up fonts going, “Ooooo, I really like that.”

Tonight, even, I educated my mother on terms serif and sans-serif.  A serif is a small line attached to the end of a stroke in a letter or symbol. A typeface with serifs is called a serif typeface. A typeface without serifs is called sans-serif or sans serif, from the French sans, meaning “without.” I remember learning all about fonts in my visual communication classes at MTSU and I was eager to share my knowledge with my mother. She had no idea what I was talking about but I gave her real world examples – one being my resume and the other my council newsletter. Surprisingly, she was very impressed but I am afraid the new found knowledge of fonts and font families was lost on her. Although, she did ask if I could help her with her resume. I guess that’s a plus, right?

 

 

Dusting off the cobwebs

I have not touched my wordpress blog in what seems like an eternity. Who am I kidding, it has been an eternity. I’ve been busy with work and my life. Actually, no. I have not been busy with my life, instead I have been trying to figure out my life. I have kept telling myself, “I need to get back on my blog” but I have always come up with so many excuses. I’m too busy or I’m too tired.  But to my delight, I was reading an article on flipboard (I love the flipboard app on my iPhone) about how writing consistently and daily is a process and that in the beginning you’re “supposed to suck.”

 I want you to know I sincerely believe you can get better. If I’m capable of ascending from the depths of suckiness, so are you.

This article entitled “How to Write Consistently and Show Up Every Single Day (Even When You Don’t Feel Like It)” is really enlightening and I loved reading it. Obviously I loved it, because I am back here posting after, how long has it been two years? Anyway, I am glad I have returned to my blog.. I’m not exactly going to be a musing english major as I once was, but I would like to actually regularly blog.

Until next time..

 

Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Bothering me…

Since graduating in December I have had a lot of things on my mind. So much has been bothering me of late both personal and otherwise. However, I have not had the courage to write about anything. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suggested that I write down three things that are most bothering me and then write out a paragraph for which one, explaining why it bothers me. I thought that was a good idea so here I go.

Negativity:  Ever since I was in high school I have always had a cynical/negative attitude toward everything in my life. I always seem to have something to say, or have an overwhelming need to have the last word. I don’t particularly understand how some people can be positive and see the the best of everything, and yet here I am negative, or as one old friend said to me once , “you’re a dark cloud.” Ever since I graduated I have found that in regards to job applications, interviews, or the lack of movement on either, I am increasingly negative and moody. On Facebook friends have tried to assist expressing variants of “I’m sure things will turn around.” Part of me wants to believe that, but another part of me is saying, “yeah, whatever.” It is this, the negative part of me that I want to, at the very least, quell in some fashion. But how? Be more positive? Wake up and shout to my bedroom ceiling, “I’m going to be positive?” I’ve done that before. Maybe I should keep doing it. Being negative certainly does not help my relationships with people. I’ve been called an asshole and a jackass and I know exactly why – it’s my negative attitude and outlook on life. It gets in the way of everything.

Life post-college: I’ve graduated from college three times. The last two times have been horrific. I have struggled to find a job that utilizes my degree or skills I have acquired. These days I’m either under-qualified or overqualified. I don’t get it. I know the job market is sluggish. Employers are hiring, but there is just something about either my resume or application that turns employers off. I have struggled for the past few months to crack the code. What exactly IS it that I’m doing wrong. I have asked countless people but no one seems to be able to help. Am I looking for jobs? Yes. Every. Single. Day.  Job postings like selling insurance, or a door-to-door salesperson. What is it that I want to do? I want to help people navigate social media. I would love to work in social media for a company, it doesn’t matter if the company be large or small. Why social media? I know it, I love it and I feel at home in the world of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I proudly have a certification in HootSuite Social Media Management. I just want a real chance to use my skills.

One of my biggest fears – having my degrees just sit on the wall. I want to be able to use my degrees and I fear that they will just remain framed, on the wall, and collect dust. Do universities refund students that cannot or do not find jobs with their education? They should. See? I’m being negative! Make it stop.

Needing Closure: I have this annoying and persistent need for closure, especially when things go sour and I cannot make amends. When I make a mistake I always try to fix things to the best of my ability. Last fall during my last semester I had a terrific internship with a local marketing firm as a social media intern. This internship should have been the door to a “real” job. It could have landed me a job. Sadly I did not make a great show of myself and finished my last semester of college with less than pleasant feedback from my manager, the company’s communication director. I didn’t perform as a team player, I was shy, didn’t ask the necessary questions, and because I was so frazzled I made huge mistakes. There was no closure. There was nothing at the end. No good-bye. No “thanks, but no thanks.” Nothing. I did graduate but there was always a cloud hovering over me. I do not regret my time as an intern. I learned a lot of valuable things about the industry, about marketing, and most importantly about myself. I just wish I could apologize and prove myself a team player, eager to learn.

Why do I need closure? I just wish I could just redo that whole thing….

 

 

Déjà vu

It seems like I have been in this position before – I have recently graduated from college and now I am looking for job. Yes, I have been in this same position before. Only this time I have graduated with my third degree, a second bachelor’s degree, and I am still finding it very difficult to find a job, or actually any job for that matter.

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This is exactly how I feel right now.

It is so frustrating to continually put out my resume, applications, cover letters and the like in hopes, extraordinarily desperate hope, that something will pan out. Sadly, I have found myself getting feedback on jobs in the realm of marketing. I do not have a degree in marketing. My second degree is in new media communication, with an emphasis in social media/new media. However, jobs along those lines are few and far between.

I have my resume everywhere. Literally, everywhere. Monster, Indeed, CareerBuilder, LinkedIn and anywhere else I can think of. I’m constantly trying to figure things out and asking things like: “Why can I get land a job that compliments my degree?” “What am I doing wrong?” I am having huge doubts about my ability to land a good job, specially with how hard I’m trying. I graduated nearly two months ago. According to research and a seminar class I took during my last semester, it takes anywhere from three to five months to find a job after graduation. I’m very impatient. I want a career. I want to be able to make money, pay off bills.

I want a job!!! Hire me.

 

Learning so much!

A lot has been happening since my last post. I am currently in my last semester of school. Here again, I am taking my last twelve hours for yet another degree. This time though I’m also doing a 200 hour internship at a local marketing firm. I had originally written off the idea of interning. I have heard that interning is such a good idea, especially in regards to real world experience. It is so true, and I am learning so much at my internship. My brain is like a sponge, soaking everything up. I’m relearning HTML code, learning how Facebook does ads and marketing. I love the firm I’m interning for, too. The entire staff is friendly, welcoming and is truly delightful.

I have a little over two more months to go until I have a third degree and second bachelor’s degree.

phugoid motion

It’s great when you’re married and yet life seems to be in a downward spiral. You’re struggling to find a job even though you have countless applications out, and even though you go to interviews you don’t get second or third appointments. Your husband works more than 70 hours a week and is exhausted. You have no time together, no time or money for anything special and even barely enough money to pay for every day essentials. Your husband is trying his best to work, even though he has an illness that may never fully go away, and yet he arrives home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I spend sleepless nights filling out job applications, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry hoping, praying, begging for positive things to happen, for there to be light at the end of what has been a very, very long and aphotic tunnel.

I am so tired of people saying “hang in there” or “be positive.” Until you’ve lived the life my husband and I have — when you’re drowning in debt, unsure of how you’re going to pay the bills, put food on the table, or when it seems like your dreams and hopes are continually buried under bills and notices, please do not say a word.

We are doing what we can, but it isn’t enough. I have no idea where I am going wrong on job applications or interviews. I wish I knew where I was going wrong, seriously. I  hate feeling like I am doing nothing to help. I understand my lack of a job, or any real working experience is contributing to this mess, not mention putting Cleve in an early grave.