Stress is like a rash.
If you let it go too long, it turns into something nasty.
Well, I’ve succeeded in doing just that. Stress has all but taken up residence in my mind, body, and spirit. I feel so lost at this current moment. I’ve made a firm decision to take it easy and not try to push so hard to finish my degree. I’m just going to let it happen as it will. If that means extending my time past what I’ve penciled in on next year’s calendar, so be it. I’m tired of people telling me when I could and should reach goals that I set out for myself. The only person that should be outlining a date to “finish” college is me.
The anxiety is eating me alive, shutting down my self-confidence and ability to make rational decisions. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from. What’s worse is I’m floundering in a subject that I adore, my major – English.
I’m not going to discuss what occurred today in my American Literature class. But, suffice it to say the presentation I was due to give on Ralph Waldo Emerson was, a shambles. I wasn’t prepared to go first, and the professor’s assurance that he knew the material backward and forward made me so nervous. It’s as if he was poking me, seeing if I would fold like a deck of cards. I did. Later, I walked out of the class dejected and horrifically embarrassed.
I never thought walking outside and crying could make me feel simultaneous pain and joy. Pain that I did so horribly, but happiness that I was finally allowing myself to given in to the emotions that have been so overwhelming these past several weeks.
Everything was fine, until August arrived.
All I can do is push forward and keep going.
However, tonight will be better as my boyfriend is coming to console me. I can’t express how much of a help he is. Always being so thoughtful, calming me down. He always has suggestions and always offers to come to my aid. What did I ever do to deserve someone so wonderful?! It’s times like these, when life’s stresses seem to always send us over the edge, we need someone to comfort us.
To my friends: thank you for being there for me. I love you all so very much, each and everyone of you are my rock. My tether to the earth, to sanity. Thank you for allowing me to vent, cry, scream, throw things and curse. It doesn’t get anything done, but it sure does feel good!