Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

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