Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Bothering me…

Since graduating in December I have had a lot of things on my mind. So much has been bothering me of late both personal and otherwise. However, I have not had the courage to write about anything. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suggested that I write down three things that are most bothering me and then write out a paragraph for which one, explaining why it bothers me. I thought that was a good idea so here I go.

Negativity:  Ever since I was in high school I have always had a cynical/negative attitude toward everything in my life. I always seem to have something to say, or have an overwhelming need to have the last word. I don’t particularly understand how some people can be positive and see the the best of everything, and yet here I am negative, or as one old friend said to me once , “you’re a dark cloud.” Ever since I graduated I have found that in regards to job applications, interviews, or the lack of movement on either, I am increasingly negative and moody. On Facebook friends have tried to assist expressing variants of “I’m sure things will turn around.” Part of me wants to believe that, but another part of me is saying, “yeah, whatever.” It is this, the negative part of me that I want to, at the very least, quell in some fashion. But how? Be more positive? Wake up and shout to my bedroom ceiling, “I’m going to be positive?” I’ve done that before. Maybe I should keep doing it. Being negative certainly does not help my relationships with people. I’ve been called an asshole and a jackass and I know exactly why – it’s my negative attitude and outlook on life. It gets in the way of everything.

Life post-college: I’ve graduated from college three times. The last two times have been horrific. I have struggled to find a job that utilizes my degree or skills I have acquired. These days I’m either under-qualified or overqualified. I don’t get it. I know the job market is sluggish. Employers are hiring, but there is just something about either my resume or application that turns employers off. I have struggled for the past few months to crack the code. What exactly IS it that I’m doing wrong. I have asked countless people but no one seems to be able to help. Am I looking for jobs? Yes. Every. Single. Day.  Job postings like selling insurance, or a door-to-door salesperson. What is it that I want to do? I want to help people navigate social media. I would love to work in social media for a company, it doesn’t matter if the company be large or small. Why social media? I know it, I love it and I feel at home in the world of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I proudly have a certification in HootSuite Social Media Management. I just want a real chance to use my skills.

One of my biggest fears – having my degrees just sit on the wall. I want to be able to use my degrees and I fear that they will just remain framed, on the wall, and collect dust. Do universities refund students that cannot or do not find jobs with their education? They should. See? I’m being negative! Make it stop.

Needing Closure: I have this annoying and persistent need for closure, especially when things go sour and I cannot make amends. When I make a mistake I always try to fix things to the best of my ability. Last fall during my last semester I had a terrific internship with a local marketing firm as a social media intern. This internship should have been the door to a “real” job. It could have landed me a job. Sadly I did not make a great show of myself and finished my last semester of college with less than pleasant feedback from my manager, the company’s communication director. I didn’t perform as a team player, I was shy, didn’t ask the necessary questions, and because I was so frazzled I made huge mistakes. There was no closure. There was nothing at the end. No good-bye. No “thanks, but no thanks.” Nothing. I did graduate but there was always a cloud hovering over me. I do not regret my time as an intern. I learned a lot of valuable things about the industry, about marketing, and most importantly about myself. I just wish I could apologize and prove myself a team player, eager to learn.

Why do I need closure? I just wish I could just redo that whole thing….

 

 

Déjà vu

It seems like I have been in this position before – I have recently graduated from college and now I am looking for job. Yes, I have been in this same position before. Only this time I have graduated with my third degree, a second bachelor’s degree, and I am still finding it very difficult to find a job, or actually any job for that matter.

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This is exactly how I feel right now.

It is so frustrating to continually put out my resume, applications, cover letters and the like in hopes, extraordinarily desperate hope, that something will pan out. Sadly, I have found myself getting feedback on jobs in the realm of marketing. I do not have a degree in marketing. My second degree is in new media communication, with an emphasis in social media/new media. However, jobs along those lines are few and far between.

I have my resume everywhere. Literally, everywhere. Monster, Indeed, CareerBuilder, LinkedIn and anywhere else I can think of. I’m constantly trying to figure things out and asking things like: “Why can I get land a job that compliments my degree?” “What am I doing wrong?” I am having huge doubts about my ability to land a good job, specially with how hard I’m trying. I graduated nearly two months ago. According to research and a seminar class I took during my last semester, it takes anywhere from three to five months to find a job after graduation. I’m very impatient. I want a career. I want to be able to make money, pay off bills.

I want a job!!! Hire me.

 

phugoid motion

It’s great when you’re married and yet life seems to be in a downward spiral. You’re struggling to find a job even though you have countless applications out, and even though you go to interviews you don’t get second or third appointments. Your husband works more than 70 hours a week and is exhausted. You have no time together, no time or money for anything special and even barely enough money to pay for every day essentials. Your husband is trying his best to work, even though he has an illness that may never fully go away, and yet he arrives home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I spend sleepless nights filling out job applications, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry hoping, praying, begging for positive things to happen, for there to be light at the end of what has been a very, very long and aphotic tunnel.

I am so tired of people saying “hang in there” or “be positive.” Until you’ve lived the life my husband and I have — when you’re drowning in debt, unsure of how you’re going to pay the bills, put food on the table, or when it seems like your dreams and hopes are continually buried under bills and notices, please do not say a word.

We are doing what we can, but it isn’t enough. I have no idea where I am going wrong on job applications or interviews. I wish I knew where I was going wrong, seriously. I  hate feeling like I am doing nothing to help. I understand my lack of a job, or any real working experience is contributing to this mess, not mention putting Cleve in an early grave.

Six months old..

I love this dog! ❤️ #instagram #ilovemydog #lablife #lablove #labrador #labnation #labradorpuppy #yellowlab #yellowlabpuppy July 04, 2015 at 1224PM My handsome boy, he's 6 months old today! #instagram #instalove #ilovemydog #lablife #lablove #labrador #labnation #labradorpuppy #labsofinstagram July 03, 2015 at 0403PM

Windsor is now six months old! It is so hard to believe! On June 3rd, he had his birthday and my goodness how he has grown. What a marvelous boy he is. He’s learning commands, he loves sleeping on the bed, and he is very popular with our neighbors and their pets. He loves to shower everyone he meets with kisses and actually will hug you and plant a kiss on your face. He is such a delight!

Still Growing…

Windsor puppy will soon be four months old. He is growing like a weed and in typical Labrador fashion, is eating everything in sight. He likes to dig and is also a kleptomaniac. So far he’s been very successful at stealing food, stealing shoes and even successfully chewed up my glasses. Clearly, Windsor thought I needed another pair, which to be honest I did.

As a parent of a growing Labrador puppy, the biggest hurdle we still haven’t successfully mastered is the art of potty training him. So that is still an issue; however, he’s learning commands very well! Everyone at the vets office loves him, and it is so much fun to see him grow and thrive!

I am so happy and grateful that Windsor is in my life. He brightens my day, and he wags his tail so fiercely when I come home from school and loves to shower my face with kisses. What’s not to love?!

Windsor puppy on the couch.
Windsor puppy on the couch.

Growing, growing, growing.

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Windsor says hello to my iPhon
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Windsor, relaxing

Windsor is now over twelve weeks old and and he is growing, growing, growing! I am so happy to see him when I come home from school. He is the light of my life and so adorable.

I have found too that training and feeding him each present their own challenges, especially with a puppy that is always hungry. Labradors will eat just about everything, and puppy Windsor has indeed proved that. He always has something in his mouth.

During  my reading have discovered the do and dont’s to training a dog. It is a learning process that I am truly enjoying.

He is quickly learning his name, he always greets me with a wildly wagging tail when I walk in the door. He’s also learning simple commands. I love it! – By the way, the pictures above I took with my iPhone last night. =) See, he is so adorable!

And they call it puppy love..

So after missing nearly an entire week of school because of the snow, spring break has arrived and with it so have warmer temperatures.

I have spent my time, thus far, relaxing and playing with my little puppy, Windsor. Training a new puppy especially a male dog is an education. Fortunately, I have been reading Family Dog by Richard A. Wolters.

Windsor, 4 weeks old
Windsor, 4 weeks old

The book is very enlightening,  helpful and the pictures and descriptions make it worthwhile and easy. I always thought training a puppy would be hard, annoying. Not so, well at this point anyway.

Windsor, or “Windsor puppy” as my partner and I affectionately call him, was born on January 3rd. He’s growing like a weed. Independent, adventurous, with long legs and a a curious need to get into everything, he has scratched and yelped his way into our hearts.

In my previous post, I did promise I would post a few pictures of Windsor. Here he is in all of his cute glory. IMG_0307

He is teething like crazy, loves to bite and play. It is just wonderful. Along the way, I have learned the value of getting a young puppy on a schedule of both going outside and feeding.

He did very well at his first puppy visit at the Vet’s office. The nurses loved him and his veterinarian was most impressed with his weight and his demeanor.  He goes for his second puppy visit on Friday, I’m so excited about that!

Along with being so excited about a new addition to the family, having a new puppy has also changed my attitude and my level of responsibility. Windsor has calmed me and I find his antics so relaxing and joyous.  He is inquisitive, loves to explore and is learning by leaps and bounds.

I have loved watching him grow and I just know I will always adore him! ❤

Back to School

The first week of school is finished, professors have handed out their syllabi, and all the text books have arrived. Taking fifteen hours isn’t tricky, and I am in love with all my classes. This time around I am determined to get involved. When I graduated with my BA in English two years ago, I lamented the fact I wasn’t involved as much as I probably should have or could have been. No doubt being active in organizations, etc etc looks fantastic on a resume or it should, right?! Hindsight is always 20/20 so this time around, I’m righting a wrong and looking forward to it!

Of all my classes I am enamored with, Visual Communications Applications VCOMM 2950 takes the cake. Learning about layouts, designs and using Adobe In Design, Illustrator and Photoshop I could not be more excited. Now I am very rusty on my Photoshop skills. I remember begging my father for Photoshop when I was in high school. I thought that being able to airbrush out all my acne would boost my self-confidence (not that it did, but I enjoyed manipulating my pictures).

Learning the pen tool in an exercise for class
Learning the pen tool in an exercise for class

Learning CS2 was quite an adventure, now ten years and several software updates later, I’m going to be learning my way around the Creative Suite again – YAY!

Another challenge that I face with tackling another Bachelors is trying to figure out what I truly want to do as a career. I feel pulled in so many directions, “Ooh, that sounds interesting” or “Ooo, I would be great at that” which is why I am getting involved in things on campus. This is also a test to see if I am ready to tackle a Masters in media and what type of program I might want to do. But in all honesty, I am so happy to be back in school and so deeply grateful for the support of my family that are 100% behind me furthering my education.

Ebb and Flow

Have you ever read a book and been so taken by a particular quotation that it just sticks with you?! There is a particular passage from Amy Tan’s book The Joy Luck Club that I can never seem to part with

Each person is made of five different elements, she told me.
Too much fire and you had a bad temper. That was like my father, whom my mother always criticized for his cigarette habit and who always shouted back that she should feel guilty that he didn’t let my mother speak her mind. Too little wood and you bent too quickly to listen to other people’s ideas, unable to stand on your own. This was like my Auntie An-mei.  Too much water and you flowed in too many different directions, like myself.

I’ve always loved that part of the book and for some reason I always find myself trying to think of what mixture of the five elements make up me. When ever I really sit down and think about it, I’m a mixture of all of them; however, its the last one that always brought it home to me – water “too much water and you flowed in too many different directions.” That just seems to sum me up. I have all these ideas, all these thoughts but they never seem to really go anywhere. I have a degree in English but I”m not using it and yet here I am, back in school, trying to yet again make something of myself. I’m sure Amy Tan didn’t intend for readers to take her five element motif to heart. I just have never been able to express what I felt like inside, or what made me tick. When I read Joy Luck for a Folklore class in college several years ago, it all seemed to click into place for me. I was made up of too much water, my mind always went in all sorts of different directions. I flowed in and out of things, never completing tasks, never finishing books, hell never really finishing homework – I’m still bad about that.

When you flow in so many directions, with so much going on, it is easy to lose focus on the end goal. I have really tried to remain focused on what I want — to be happy and find success in a field I’m passionate about, media. It has taken me a long time to even make it this far but the journey has been a very rewarding one. I am so thankful I have a great support system that pushes me to go further and reminds me of what my goal is when stress seems to overwhelm me.

This coming week begins mid-terms and fall break is literally next weekend. Wait the semester just started yesterday, right? It really feels like the semester just started a few days ago and yet here we are in October all ready. I’m getting ready to make my class schedule for the spring semester, too. Does time always fly when you’re in college? It’s not like I could forget, I graduated only two years ago. Maybe I have, who knows.

Does the head-scratching and wondering ever end? I know I’m still young and have plenty of time to figure out what I want to do when I “grow up.”  And yet I don’t want to end up being forty something and still wondering “What am I doing with my life?”