Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Bothering me…

Since graduating in December I have had a lot of things on my mind. So much has been bothering me of late both personal and otherwise. However, I have not had the courage to write about anything. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suggested that I write down three things that are most bothering me and then write out a paragraph for which one, explaining why it bothers me. I thought that was a good idea so here I go.

Negativity:  Ever since I was in high school I have always had a cynical/negative attitude toward everything in my life. I always seem to have something to say, or have an overwhelming need to have the last word. I don’t particularly understand how some people can be positive and see the the best of everything, and yet here I am negative, or as one old friend said to me once , “you’re a dark cloud.” Ever since I graduated I have found that in regards to job applications, interviews, or the lack of movement on either, I am increasingly negative and moody. On Facebook friends have tried to assist expressing variants of “I’m sure things will turn around.” Part of me wants to believe that, but another part of me is saying, “yeah, whatever.” It is this, the negative part of me that I want to, at the very least, quell in some fashion. But how? Be more positive? Wake up and shout to my bedroom ceiling, “I’m going to be positive?” I’ve done that before. Maybe I should keep doing it. Being negative certainly does not help my relationships with people. I’ve been called an asshole and a jackass and I know exactly why – it’s my negative attitude and outlook on life. It gets in the way of everything.

Life post-college: I’ve graduated from college three times. The last two times have been horrific. I have struggled to find a job that utilizes my degree or skills I have acquired. These days I’m either under-qualified or overqualified. I don’t get it. I know the job market is sluggish. Employers are hiring, but there is just something about either my resume or application that turns employers off. I have struggled for the past few months to crack the code. What exactly IS it that I’m doing wrong. I have asked countless people but no one seems to be able to help. Am I looking for jobs? Yes. Every. Single. Day.  Job postings like selling insurance, or a door-to-door salesperson. What is it that I want to do? I want to help people navigate social media. I would love to work in social media for a company, it doesn’t matter if the company be large or small. Why social media? I know it, I love it and I feel at home in the world of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I proudly have a certification in HootSuite Social Media Management. I just want a real chance to use my skills.

One of my biggest fears – having my degrees just sit on the wall. I want to be able to use my degrees and I fear that they will just remain framed, on the wall, and collect dust. Do universities refund students that cannot or do not find jobs with their education? They should. See? I’m being negative! Make it stop.

Needing Closure: I have this annoying and persistent need for closure, especially when things go sour and I cannot make amends. When I make a mistake I always try to fix things to the best of my ability. Last fall during my last semester I had a terrific internship with a local marketing firm as a social media intern. This internship should have been the door to a “real” job. It could have landed me a job. Sadly I did not make a great show of myself and finished my last semester of college with less than pleasant feedback from my manager, the company’s communication director. I didn’t perform as a team player, I was shy, didn’t ask the necessary questions, and because I was so frazzled I made huge mistakes. There was no closure. There was nothing at the end. No good-bye. No “thanks, but no thanks.” Nothing. I did graduate but there was always a cloud hovering over me. I do not regret my time as an intern. I learned a lot of valuable things about the industry, about marketing, and most importantly about myself. I just wish I could apologize and prove myself a team player, eager to learn.

Why do I need closure? I just wish I could just redo that whole thing….

 

 

Déjà vu

It seems like I have been in this position before – I have recently graduated from college and now I am looking for job. Yes, I have been in this same position before. Only this time I have graduated with my third degree, a second bachelor’s degree, and I am still finding it very difficult to find a job, or actually any job for that matter.

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This is exactly how I feel right now.

It is so frustrating to continually put out my resume, applications, cover letters and the like in hopes, extraordinarily desperate hope, that something will pan out. Sadly, I have found myself getting feedback on jobs in the realm of marketing. I do not have a degree in marketing. My second degree is in new media communication, with an emphasis in social media/new media. However, jobs along those lines are few and far between.

I have my resume everywhere. Literally, everywhere. Monster, Indeed, CareerBuilder, LinkedIn and anywhere else I can think of. I’m constantly trying to figure things out and asking things like: “Why can I get land a job that compliments my degree?” “What am I doing wrong?” I am having huge doubts about my ability to land a good job, specially with how hard I’m trying. I graduated nearly two months ago. According to research and a seminar class I took during my last semester, it takes anywhere from three to five months to find a job after graduation. I’m very impatient. I want a career. I want to be able to make money, pay off bills.

I want a job!!! Hire me.

 

phugoid motion

It’s great when you’re married and yet life seems to be in a downward spiral. You’re struggling to find a job even though you have countless applications out, and even though you go to interviews you don’t get second or third appointments. Your husband works more than 70 hours a week and is exhausted. You have no time together, no time or money for anything special and even barely enough money to pay for every day essentials. Your husband is trying his best to work, even though he has an illness that may never fully go away, and yet he arrives home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I spend sleepless nights filling out job applications, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry hoping, praying, begging for positive things to happen, for there to be light at the end of what has been a very, very long and aphotic tunnel.

I am so tired of people saying “hang in there” or “be positive.” Until you’ve lived the life my husband and I have — when you’re drowning in debt, unsure of how you’re going to pay the bills, put food on the table, or when it seems like your dreams and hopes are continually buried under bills and notices, please do not say a word.

We are doing what we can, but it isn’t enough. I have no idea where I am going wrong on job applications or interviews. I wish I knew where I was going wrong, seriously. I  hate feeling like I am doing nothing to help. I understand my lack of a job, or any real working experience is contributing to this mess, not mention putting Cleve in an early grave.

Six months old..

I love this dog! ❤️ #instagram #ilovemydog #lablife #lablove #labrador #labnation #labradorpuppy #yellowlab #yellowlabpuppy July 04, 2015 at 1224PM My handsome boy, he's 6 months old today! #instagram #instalove #ilovemydog #lablife #lablove #labrador #labnation #labradorpuppy #labsofinstagram July 03, 2015 at 0403PM

Windsor is now six months old! It is so hard to believe! On June 3rd, he had his birthday and my goodness how he has grown. What a marvelous boy he is. He’s learning commands, he loves sleeping on the bed, and he is very popular with our neighbors and their pets. He loves to shower everyone he meets with kisses and actually will hug you and plant a kiss on your face. He is such a delight!

Still Growing…

Windsor puppy will soon be four months old. He is growing like a weed and in typical Labrador fashion, is eating everything in sight. He likes to dig and is also a kleptomaniac. So far he’s been very successful at stealing food, stealing shoes and even successfully chewed up my glasses. Clearly, Windsor thought I needed another pair, which to be honest I did.

As a parent of a growing Labrador puppy, the biggest hurdle we still haven’t successfully mastered is the art of potty training him. So that is still an issue; however, he’s learning commands very well! Everyone at the vets office loves him, and it is so much fun to see him grow and thrive!

I am so happy and grateful that Windsor is in my life. He brightens my day, and he wags his tail so fiercely when I come home from school and loves to shower my face with kisses. What’s not to love?!

Windsor puppy on the couch.
Windsor puppy on the couch.

Growing, growing, growing.

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Windsor says hello to my iPhon
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Windsor, relaxing

Windsor is now over twelve weeks old and and he is growing, growing, growing! I am so happy to see him when I come home from school. He is the light of my life and so adorable.

I have found too that training and feeding him each present their own challenges, especially with a puppy that is always hungry. Labradors will eat just about everything, and puppy Windsor has indeed proved that. He always has something in his mouth.

During  my reading have discovered the do and dont’s to training a dog. It is a learning process that I am truly enjoying.

He is quickly learning his name, he always greets me with a wildly wagging tail when I walk in the door. He’s also learning simple commands. I love it! – By the way, the pictures above I took with my iPhone last night. =) See, he is so adorable!