Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Bothering me…

Since graduating in December I have had a lot of things on my mind. So much has been bothering me of late both personal and otherwise. However, I have not had the courage to write about anything. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suggested that I write down three things that are most bothering me and then write out a paragraph for which one, explaining why it bothers me. I thought that was a good idea so here I go.

Negativity:  Ever since I was in high school I have always had a cynical/negative attitude toward everything in my life. I always seem to have something to say, or have an overwhelming need to have the last word. I don’t particularly understand how some people can be positive and see the the best of everything, and yet here I am negative, or as one old friend said to me once , “you’re a dark cloud.” Ever since I graduated I have found that in regards to job applications, interviews, or the lack of movement on either, I am increasingly negative and moody. On Facebook friends have tried to assist expressing variants of “I’m sure things will turn around.” Part of me wants to believe that, but another part of me is saying, “yeah, whatever.” It is this, the negative part of me that I want to, at the very least, quell in some fashion. But how? Be more positive? Wake up and shout to my bedroom ceiling, “I’m going to be positive?” I’ve done that before. Maybe I should keep doing it. Being negative certainly does not help my relationships with people. I’ve been called an asshole and a jackass and I know exactly why – it’s my negative attitude and outlook on life. It gets in the way of everything.

Life post-college: I’ve graduated from college three times. The last two times have been horrific. I have struggled to find a job that utilizes my degree or skills I have acquired. These days I’m either under-qualified or overqualified. I don’t get it. I know the job market is sluggish. Employers are hiring, but there is just something about either my resume or application that turns employers off. I have struggled for the past few months to crack the code. What exactly IS it that I’m doing wrong. I have asked countless people but no one seems to be able to help. Am I looking for jobs? Yes. Every. Single. Day.  Job postings like selling insurance, or a door-to-door salesperson. What is it that I want to do? I want to help people navigate social media. I would love to work in social media for a company, it doesn’t matter if the company be large or small. Why social media? I know it, I love it and I feel at home in the world of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I proudly have a certification in HootSuite Social Media Management. I just want a real chance to use my skills.

One of my biggest fears – having my degrees just sit on the wall. I want to be able to use my degrees and I fear that they will just remain framed, on the wall, and collect dust. Do universities refund students that cannot or do not find jobs with their education? They should. See? I’m being negative! Make it stop.

Needing Closure: I have this annoying and persistent need for closure, especially when things go sour and I cannot make amends. When I make a mistake I always try to fix things to the best of my ability. Last fall during my last semester I had a terrific internship with a local marketing firm as a social media intern. This internship should have been the door to a “real” job. It could have landed me a job. Sadly I did not make a great show of myself and finished my last semester of college with less than pleasant feedback from my manager, the company’s communication director. I didn’t perform as a team player, I was shy, didn’t ask the necessary questions, and because I was so frazzled I made huge mistakes. There was no closure. There was nothing at the end. No good-bye. No “thanks, but no thanks.” Nothing. I did graduate but there was always a cloud hovering over me. I do not regret my time as an intern. I learned a lot of valuable things about the industry, about marketing, and most importantly about myself. I just wish I could apologize and prove myself a team player, eager to learn.

Why do I need closure? I just wish I could just redo that whole thing….

 

 

Déjà vu

It seems like I have been in this position before – I have recently graduated from college and now I am looking for job. Yes, I have been in this same position before. Only this time I have graduated with my third degree, a second bachelor’s degree, and I am still finding it very difficult to find a job, or actually any job for that matter.

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This is exactly how I feel right now.

It is so frustrating to continually put out my resume, applications, cover letters and the like in hopes, extraordinarily desperate hope, that something will pan out. Sadly, I have found myself getting feedback on jobs in the realm of marketing. I do not have a degree in marketing. My second degree is in new media communication, with an emphasis in social media/new media. However, jobs along those lines are few and far between.

I have my resume everywhere. Literally, everywhere. Monster, Indeed, CareerBuilder, LinkedIn and anywhere else I can think of. I’m constantly trying to figure things out and asking things like: “Why can I get land a job that compliments my degree?” “What am I doing wrong?” I am having huge doubts about my ability to land a good job, specially with how hard I’m trying. I graduated nearly two months ago. According to research and a seminar class I took during my last semester, it takes anywhere from three to five months to find a job after graduation. I’m very impatient. I want a career. I want to be able to make money, pay off bills.

I want a job!!! Hire me.

 

phugoid motion

It’s great when you’re married and yet life seems to be in a downward spiral. You’re struggling to find a job even though you have countless applications out, and even though you go to interviews you don’t get second or third appointments. Your husband works more than 70 hours a week and is exhausted. You have no time together, no time or money for anything special and even barely enough money to pay for every day essentials. Your husband is trying his best to work, even though he has an illness that may never fully go away, and yet he arrives home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I spend sleepless nights filling out job applications, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry hoping, praying, begging for positive things to happen, for there to be light at the end of what has been a very, very long and aphotic tunnel.

I am so tired of people saying “hang in there” or “be positive.” Until you’ve lived the life my husband and I have — when you’re drowning in debt, unsure of how you’re going to pay the bills, put food on the table, or when it seems like your dreams and hopes are continually buried under bills and notices, please do not say a word.

We are doing what we can, but it isn’t enough. I have no idea where I am going wrong on job applications or interviews. I wish I knew where I was going wrong, seriously. I  hate feeling like I am doing nothing to help. I understand my lack of a job, or any real working experience is contributing to this mess, not mention putting Cleve in an early grave.

Ebb and Flow

Have you ever read a book and been so taken by a particular quotation that it just sticks with you?! There is a particular passage from Amy Tan’s book The Joy Luck Club that I can never seem to part with

Each person is made of five different elements, she told me.
Too much fire and you had a bad temper. That was like my father, whom my mother always criticized for his cigarette habit and who always shouted back that she should feel guilty that he didn’t let my mother speak her mind. Too little wood and you bent too quickly to listen to other people’s ideas, unable to stand on your own. This was like my Auntie An-mei.  Too much water and you flowed in too many different directions, like myself.

I’ve always loved that part of the book and for some reason I always find myself trying to think of what mixture of the five elements make up me. When ever I really sit down and think about it, I’m a mixture of all of them; however, its the last one that always brought it home to me – water “too much water and you flowed in too many different directions.” That just seems to sum me up. I have all these ideas, all these thoughts but they never seem to really go anywhere. I have a degree in English but I”m not using it and yet here I am, back in school, trying to yet again make something of myself. I’m sure Amy Tan didn’t intend for readers to take her five element motif to heart. I just have never been able to express what I felt like inside, or what made me tick. When I read Joy Luck for a Folklore class in college several years ago, it all seemed to click into place for me. I was made up of too much water, my mind always went in all sorts of different directions. I flowed in and out of things, never completing tasks, never finishing books, hell never really finishing homework – I’m still bad about that.

When you flow in so many directions, with so much going on, it is easy to lose focus on the end goal. I have really tried to remain focused on what I want — to be happy and find success in a field I’m passionate about, media. It has taken me a long time to even make it this far but the journey has been a very rewarding one. I am so thankful I have a great support system that pushes me to go further and reminds me of what my goal is when stress seems to overwhelm me.

This coming week begins mid-terms and fall break is literally next weekend. Wait the semester just started yesterday, right? It really feels like the semester just started a few days ago and yet here we are in October all ready. I’m getting ready to make my class schedule for the spring semester, too. Does time always fly when you’re in college? It’s not like I could forget, I graduated only two years ago. Maybe I have, who knows.

Does the head-scratching and wondering ever end? I know I’m still young and have plenty of time to figure out what I want to do when I “grow up.”  And yet I don’t want to end up being forty something and still wondering “What am I doing with my life?”

The ongoing battle with anxiety..

Last night I made a firm decision–to stop taking my antidepressants. Sadly, I’ve been on them long enough to notice the two nasty side-effects I cannot stand: too many cravings for food and weight gain. Three years ago, when I was a super-stressed college student, a nurse practitioner advised me to take Celexa, to assist with my anxiety and hopefully calm my nerves. I’m glad to say it worked, but it also made me gain an unheard of amount of weight. Now that I have been taking the meds again, after a horrific attempt at taking Paxil, I have decided to simply stop taking the pills and find another, more healthful, alternative to dealing with my anxiety issues. I am tired of the constant food cravings and more than sick of watching the numbers on both the scale and my waistline go up.

I have no idea where the anxiety came from and that troubles me. I don’t know what the trigger is or was, thus I cannot come to terms with these strange manifestations of anxiety, stress and all the health issues that come with having both.

I actually have an embarrassing story about how my anxiety got the better of me. Three years ago, my boyfriend and I were out house hunting and I didn’t feel at all well. I was incredibly nervous and my stomach was in painful knots. Now I will admit, I was plagued by stress about going to a four year university (I just just graduated from community college) and I guess the nervousness spilled over into my daily life. To make this house hunt worse, my stomach started to cramp and I had the overwhelming need to use the restroom. Now this is where the panic set it in–would I be able to make it to a restroom in time before I had an accident?! Fortunately, I found a lovely and clean bathroom to use at a house we were looking at with a realtor. Since that experience, I travel with a shopping bag with back-up pair of clothes just in case the need should arise. My mother has joking dubbed it my “purse.” I have never had to make use of the extra clothing but to my mind it is “insurance” in case something awful happens.

Now, I have been tested for everything under the sun, I even had a colonoscopy when I was twenty-four — the results returned absolutely nothing. So what is the big deal?!

All I know how is that I have research to do in finding a better way to deal with my stress. Turning to food and eating ones emotions isn’t healthy, nor does it feel good. I want to feel good about myself again. No, I NEED to feel good about myself.

I’m sticking to my guns though, the pills are out.

“Write,” she said.

I have to hand it to my mother, she has always had my back. Regardless of what has happened in my life she has been there, cheering me on or giving me much needed encouragement. “You’re a good writer,” she said to me other day. I replied with my typical self-deprecating response, “but my grammar sucks.” I love the way she responded, “so what, not everyone has great grammar. Everyone makes mistakes” she said this quite earnestly too. “You want to be a writer, so write. Write a book, do album and theatre reviews” she exclaimed.

Write a book?! I’ve been jotting down stuff about my life for years. In fact, my own “memoir” has had a working title for nearly ten years. I remember I had a Xanga account years and years ago, and that is where my first thoughts were published – that account has since been deleted. Funny, Xanga and LiveJournal were so popular back in 2003. Now, the once popular blog sites have given way to things like Tumblr and WordPress.

I remember having a germ of an idea I thought might make a good murder mystery, it had something to do with a garden?! I don’t know, maybe I will get back to it one of these days. How does one even go about writing or even drafting a book?!

I enjoy writing I just don’t do it enough. I always feel like I’m all out of ideas. What do people post on blogs? “Today, I had a salad.” or even more prosaic, “Here’s a picture I took on Instagram” (oops, I’m guilty of that).

Here lately, I’ve been posting about my frustrations on the job market. I want to be successful and make something of myself. I have experience in various fields and a college degree; however, even a degree doesn’t guarantee a job anymore.

I’m also considering going back to school for a degree in Mass Communication, seriously I am.

I want to go into television, to be more exact, I want to produce television shows and specials for PBS. Ever since I saw one my favorite  specials, Some Enchanted Evening: Celebrating Oscar Hammerstein II in 1995, I was hooked. I loved the production values, the cast, the music – everything. Sadly, the great moments from Great Performances, which is now entering its 40th season on PBS  have never been released on DVD or VHS for that matter. I want to change that. I love the arts, and I so long to be part of public television.

Goodness, forgive me the desultory sidetrack into my future plans. Yes, I need to write and so I shall..