It’s great when you’re married and yet life seems to be in a downward spiral. You’re struggling to find a job even though you have countless applications out, and even though you go to interviews you don’t get second or third appointments. Your husband works more than 70 hours a week and is exhausted. You have no time together, no time or money for anything special and even barely enough money to pay for every day essentials. Your husband is trying his best to work, even though he has an illness that may never fully go away, and yet he arrives home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.
I spend sleepless nights filling out job applications, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry hoping, praying, begging for positive things to happen, for there to be light at the end of what has been a very, very long and aphotic tunnel.
I am so tired of people saying “hang in there” or “be positive.” Until you’ve lived the life my husband and I have — when you’re drowning in debt, unsure of how you’re going to pay the bills, put food on the table, or when it seems like your dreams and hopes are continually buried under bills and notices, please do not say a word.
We are doing what we can, but it isn’t enough. I have no idea where I am going wrong on job applications or interviews. I wish I knew where I was going wrong, seriously. I hate feeling like I am doing nothing to help. I understand my lack of a job, or any real working experience is contributing to this mess, not mention putting Cleve in an early grave.
The first week of school is finished, professors have handed out their syllabi, and all the text books have arrived. Taking fifteen hours isn’t tricky, and I am in love with all my classes. This time around I am determined to get involved. When I graduated with my BA in English two years ago, I lamented the fact I wasn’t involved as much as I probably should have or could have been. No doubt being active in organizations, etc etc looks fantastic on a resume or it should, right?! Hindsight is always 20/20 so this time around, I’m righting a wrong and looking forward to it!
Of all my classes I am enamored with, Visual Communications Applications VCOMM 2950 takes the cake. Learning about layouts, designs and using Adobe In Design, Illustrator and Photoshop I could not be more excited. Now I am very rusty on my Photoshop skills. I remember begging my father for Photoshop when I was in high school. I thought that being able to airbrush out all my acne would boost my self-confidence (not that it did, but I enjoyed manipulating my pictures).
Learning CS2 was quite an adventure, now ten years and several software updates later, I’m going to be learning my way around the Creative Suite again – YAY!
Another challenge that I face with tackling another Bachelors is trying to figure out what I truly want to do as a career. I feel pulled in so many directions, “Ooh, that sounds interesting” or “Ooo, I would be great at that” which is why I am getting involved in things on campus. This is also a test to see if I am ready to tackle a Masters in media and what type of program I might want to do. But in all honesty, I am so happy to be back in school and so deeply grateful for the support of my family that are 100% behind me furthering my education.
So a new social network site has literally taken off! Ello is the new “anti-facebook” social network that promises to be ad free! Oh and it’s INVITE Only! Remember when Facebook was originally “invite only?” We were just talking about this in my Media class this morning! Now, according to an interesting article from Vox.com 31,000 people an hour are joining the site. You can click the hyper link to read the article.
I really like what the article has to say about Ello. “People genuinely dislike Facebook for a lot of reasons. Facebook has ads, can be noisy, and sells your information. Facebook is always trying to get you to play games and be friends with people you don’t like. Some people hate Facebook because they hate themselves. For these reasons, an ad-free social network that doesn’t sell your information and allows you to mute your friends is a welcome alternative.” Interesting… no ads and muting my friends!
So I signed up for an invite. I am genuinely interested to see where this will go.
As of 3:25pm I just got an email from the site that says, “We will invite you as soon as we can. Ello is currently in beta, and we are inviting new users in small groups as we roll out new features.” Neato!
Now that the school semester is approaching the midterm point with ever increasing speed, I have found that my new media class is quickly becoming my favorite class. Not only is my professor engaging but she makes the class think. We’ve been talking about blogging this week and learning about the historical aspects of it. For example, I didn’t know there originally two kinds of blog (based on the textbook we’re reading): filter and journal style blogging. Now I do! Interestingly my professor gave us a challenge – try to write a mission statement for your blog, find a focus.
I know that I first started this blog with the intent to blog about my trials and tribulations as a college senior. Now that am, yet again, a college senior it seems to still fit. However, I also wanted to improve my writing skills. Well, no. Hone my skills. Most readers will admit that my writing needs improvement – or an editor. Anyone want to help me edit my blog posts?! Just kidding, or am I?
I love learning about new media. I almost considered majoring in it instead of Electronic Media Production. Seeing as how production seems to be quite an uphill battle maybe I should go with my original idea?! It is such a shame that one cannot double major in the same department. What fun that would be.
I have found that my blog seems to grow stale after a few days after not blogging. I’ve been so busy I have not had a real chance to dedicate time to daily blogging or maintaining the hebdomadal (I love that word) posting that I have written my calendar. Every Friday, my Mac reminds me to “BLOG!” I ignore the reminder however, thinking that “Oh, I have nothing to blog about” or “my writing sucks.” I truly need to cut that out.
Last night I made a firm decision–to stop taking my antidepressants. Sadly, I’ve been on them long enough to notice the two nasty side-effects I cannot stand: too many cravings for food and weight gain. Three years ago, when I was a super-stressed college student, a nurse practitioner advised me to take Celexa, to assist with my anxiety and hopefully calm my nerves. I’m glad to say it worked, but it also made me gain an unheard of amount of weight. Now that I have been taking the meds again, after a horrific attempt at taking Paxil, I have decided to simply stop taking the pills and find another, more healthful, alternative to dealing with my anxiety issues. I am tired of the constant food cravings and more than sick of watching the numbers on both the scale and my waistline go up.
I have no idea where the anxiety came from and that troubles me. I don’t know what the trigger is or was, thus I cannot come to terms with these strange manifestations of anxiety, stress and all the health issues that come with having both.
I actually have an embarrassing story about how my anxiety got the better of me. Three years ago, my boyfriend and I were out house hunting and I didn’t feel at all well. I was incredibly nervous and my stomach was in painful knots. Now I will admit, I was plagued by stress about going to a four year university (I just just graduated from community college) and I guess the nervousness spilled over into my daily life. To make this house hunt worse, my stomach started to cramp and I had the overwhelming need to use the restroom. Now this is where the panic set it in–would I be able to make it to a restroom in time before I had an accident?! Fortunately, I found a lovely and clean bathroom to use at a house we were looking at with a realtor. Since that experience, I travel with a shopping bag with back-up pair of clothes just in case the need should arise. My mother has joking dubbed it my “purse.” I have never had to make use of the extra clothing but to my mind it is “insurance” in case something awful happens.
Now, I have been tested for everything under the sun, I even had a colonoscopy when I was twenty-four — the results returned absolutely nothing. So what is the big deal?!
All I know how is that I have research to do in finding a better way to deal with my stress. Turning to food and eating ones emotions isn’t healthy, nor does it feel good. I want to feel good about myself again. No, I NEED to feel good about myself.
I’m sticking to my guns though, the pills are out.
On August 25, 2014 I will be going back to school! I am so thrilled, seriously I cannot contain my excitement. After two years of dreaming, scheming, and putting things off, I have finally decided to go after another bachelor’s degree – this time a B.S. in Mass Communication with an emphasis in Electronic Media Production. The Mass Comm department at Middle Tennessee State is a very active one, and the Electronic Media Communication classes always fill up very fast. I had originally intended to double major in English and either Journalism or EMC back in 2012; however, time and money were tight and I could not exactly do what I wanted. True, I do have two degrees – an Honors Associates and a Bachelors, but neither of them have assisted me in finding a foothold into a promising job. So it’s back to school, back to buying school supplies, back to buying college textbooks, and back to the structure of higher education. I have always wanted to use my knowledge and love of English/Cultural Studies and my love of media in some form, thus my returning to school. Ultimately I want to intern at PBS and produce shows and the like for public television. I have so many ideas and dreams that I want to make reality. I think my grandmother had the best advice when I discussed school with her:
“Now, keep a GOOD attitude as you venture forth into this new area of study. Bear in mind that each and everyone you meet along the way in life is a potential link to bigger and better things. Taken as individuals, they may not impress you much; but taken as a whole, they may well be the spark that gives you what you need to give your life purpose. Always come across to even the lowliest of people as a nice person with a good attitude ready to help in whatever situation you are in. It may pay great dividends that you least expect. Make the most of your education.” Great words of wisdom.
Also, I have committed myself to blogging on a regular basis. I was reading a very interesting article on Facebook via mindbodygreen.com about “How to Become a Successful Blogger” and there were several points that I found very valid, especially one that stated “Commit to a Schedule and Make it Public” which is brilliant. I’ve always said to myself, “I will blog more and regularly, too.” However, I always fail at committing to doing it — pure laziness, I will admit. This time though I have decided to make blog entries every FRIDAY! From August 15th 2014 until the end of the current semester I have committed to blogging every week! Thankfully, I have a great Calendar app on my Mac and iPhone called Sunrise, it keeps me up to date and on my toes; I even put my school schedule in it so I know when I’m supposed to be on campus. I remember signing up with WordPress six years ago with the intent to become a serious blogger, grammar mistakes and all. It is high time I actually do something about that, right?!
“Now What?” has been the question people have been asking me for weeks now. It’s only been a little over a month since I graduated from college; however, it feels like I only walked across the stage yesterday. I’m having major school withdraws and it sucks. The spring semester officially started today and I feel so lost not going back to school. My boyfriend, Cleve, is going back to school to get his ASN in nursing. He’s super excited about taking A&P and Microbiology at my old school, Motlow.
My sister is also going back to school. After some six years, she’s a freshman at MTSU going after her degree in information technology. I’m so proud of her for going back to school. I know it will be tough on her, she has a full time job and two children to support, but it will be better for her and her family in the long run. It was so cute, yesterday my sister was on campus and asked me “where do I get my student i.d?” and “where do I get my parking decal?” It felt good giving my sister directions and advice on where to go and where not to park. Unfortunately for her, she has a 6:30a.m. history class in the humanities building on campus. The only upside to having a morning class is the parking is usually quite easy (parking at MTSU has been a pain for decades.) However, my sister learned the hard way that students cannot park just anywhere they please and she got her first ticket. I can laugh because last semester I acquired something along the lines of 7 or 8 parking tickets due to my impatience at trying to find parking on campus and after at least 6 your car gets the boot. So, it’s really nice that I can continue to being an undergrad vicariously through two people I love.
Being in school for so long does have its negatives though, I’m so used to it that I purchased new school supplies on Amazon before realizing… oh wait, I’m not in school anymore. Not to worry the supplies I have will be put to good use. Waste not, want not.
Today, I have been applying for jobs left and right. I hope something comes of the applications I’ve put out. I want to do something meaningful with my life and the degree(s) that I have obtained. I know I’m smart, I just need potential employers to see it!
"... for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts, and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life and rest in unvisited tombs."