Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Bothering me…

Since graduating in December I have had a lot of things on my mind. So much has been bothering me of late both personal and otherwise. However, I have not had the courage to write about anything. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suggested that I write down three things that are most bothering me and then write out a paragraph for which one, explaining why it bothers me. I thought that was a good idea so here I go.

Negativity:  Ever since I was in high school I have always had a cynical/negative attitude toward everything in my life. I always seem to have something to say, or have an overwhelming need to have the last word. I don’t particularly understand how some people can be positive and see the the best of everything, and yet here I am negative, or as one old friend said to me once , “you’re a dark cloud.” Ever since I graduated I have found that in regards to job applications, interviews, or the lack of movement on either, I am increasingly negative and moody. On Facebook friends have tried to assist expressing variants of “I’m sure things will turn around.” Part of me wants to believe that, but another part of me is saying, “yeah, whatever.” It is this, the negative part of me that I want to, at the very least, quell in some fashion. But how? Be more positive? Wake up and shout to my bedroom ceiling, “I’m going to be positive?” I’ve done that before. Maybe I should keep doing it. Being negative certainly does not help my relationships with people. I’ve been called an asshole and a jackass and I know exactly why – it’s my negative attitude and outlook on life. It gets in the way of everything.

Life post-college: I’ve graduated from college three times. The last two times have been horrific. I have struggled to find a job that utilizes my degree or skills I have acquired. These days I’m either under-qualified or overqualified. I don’t get it. I know the job market is sluggish. Employers are hiring, but there is just something about either my resume or application that turns employers off. I have struggled for the past few months to crack the code. What exactly IS it that I’m doing wrong. I have asked countless people but no one seems to be able to help. Am I looking for jobs? Yes. Every. Single. Day.  Job postings like selling insurance, or a door-to-door salesperson. What is it that I want to do? I want to help people navigate social media. I would love to work in social media for a company, it doesn’t matter if the company be large or small. Why social media? I know it, I love it and I feel at home in the world of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I proudly have a certification in HootSuite Social Media Management. I just want a real chance to use my skills.

One of my biggest fears – having my degrees just sit on the wall. I want to be able to use my degrees and I fear that they will just remain framed, on the wall, and collect dust. Do universities refund students that cannot or do not find jobs with their education? They should. See? I’m being negative! Make it stop.

Needing Closure: I have this annoying and persistent need for closure, especially when things go sour and I cannot make amends. When I make a mistake I always try to fix things to the best of my ability. Last fall during my last semester I had a terrific internship with a local marketing firm as a social media intern. This internship should have been the door to a “real” job. It could have landed me a job. Sadly I did not make a great show of myself and finished my last semester of college with less than pleasant feedback from my manager, the company’s communication director. I didn’t perform as a team player, I was shy, didn’t ask the necessary questions, and because I was so frazzled I made huge mistakes. There was no closure. There was nothing at the end. No good-bye. No “thanks, but no thanks.” Nothing. I did graduate but there was always a cloud hovering over me. I do not regret my time as an intern. I learned a lot of valuable things about the industry, about marketing, and most importantly about myself. I just wish I could apologize and prove myself a team player, eager to learn.

Why do I need closure? I just wish I could just redo that whole thing….