Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Writing

How do you keep up with your blog?! There are so many writers and authors who are consistent with their postings. How do ones avoid boredom and keep regularly posting. Sounds strange but that’s where I am. I keep wondering why I say “I’m going to post more” but never do?! 

Currently I’m still looking for a new job. I have updated my resumes about one billion times on Careerbuilder, Monster, etc etc. I just keep wondering, “what should I be doing with my life?” I’m tired of dead-end work, going about my life as if I am in some sort of trance. 

I’m registered to return to school this fall to obtain a second bachelors degree in Electronic Media Communication. I miss learning. I miss having structure and a purpose to my day. 

Besides blogging more regularly there is something else I need to focus on, being more positive and upbeat about my life. 

Just an idea!

I love finding out when musical artists that I adore are readying new albums. A favorite british music group of mine, Pet Shop Boys, will be releasing a brand new album in June, entitled, Electric and it’s being produced by Stuart Price.  Now. I am tickled pink by this news. I love PSB, I have for years. Ever since I heard their two collaborations with Liza Minnelli and the late Dusty Springfield Results (1989) and Reputation (1990) I have loved, loved, loved PSB. Stuart Price is another musical genius that I just love,  his work on Madonna’s 2005 album, Confessions on a Dance Floor was nothing short of spectacular. Price has worked with all sorts of artists: Kylie Minogue, Scissor Sisters, The Killers,  et al.

But, I had an idea.

Since Stuart Price is producing the new Pet Shop Boys album, Electric, for their new record label. You know, I think Barbra Streisand needs a new POP album. A strongly produced project that has a ballad/dance theme to it. Stuart Price would be an excellent choice. I’ve loved his production values since he did Madonna’s wonderful Confessions On A Dance Floor in 2005. I think Barbra deserves new “earworms” that she can attach her signature voice to. After her two pop albums in the 1980s: Emotion (1984) and Til I Loved You (1988) both of which were marred with mediocre writing and too many producers, I think the best way to commemorate her 50th Anniversary with Columbia is a with a great album of new material.

I commend Columbia for the duets project, which is still ongoing; however, I think Tony Bennett effectively exhausted the “duets” idea with 3 albums worth of them for record label. Will the music buying public be willing to hear Barbra sing duets? Guess time will tell.
If MADONNA can still do dance oriented albums in her mid-fifties, why couldn’t Barbra revisit her disco days?

I think it’d be fun.

28 days

The days are counting down and I’m getting more nervous every second.  I’m graduating in 28 days, I will finally have my degree after years of struggle. I am not exactly sure how I feel about my impending graduation. I don’t feel like I’ve made much use of my education. I still suck at writing. Commas, punctuation, and mechanics I still have issues with. My papers still suck and I’m so close to the end. I thought people were supposed to be overwhelming confident when they were due to graduate from college. People ask me, “are you going to grad school?” I don’t know if I’m really ready for grad school for three reasons: I can’t afford it (I don’t want to take out loans), the application process is long, and I have yet to sit the GRE. I’m just not sure if carrying on with my education is the right choice. Honestly, I have half a mind to go back and just redo everything. 

Right now, I’m wasting time watching The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and trying to figure out game plans for 3 papers I have to write. I’m just not sure of things at the moment and I’m sure it’s because graduation is so near. What am I going to do after I get my diploma? I have no idea. 

Broken

I’ve been in school for six years, I’m due to graduate in December with a BA in English.

Last night, I was told in no uncertain terms (by a college chum) that my grammar, frankly, sucks. It’s like the last few years of college have been for nothing. It’s no wonder no one reads my tumblr or my wordpress. It’s also no surprise that the school news paper, Sidelines doesn’t want me writing for them anymore.

I have known that my grammar is shit for a long time. I’ve tried to fix it, but I can’t seem to get the hang of grammar rules. I still have severe issues with comma splices etc, etc.

It was suggested to me that I take a Grammar and Usage class, given at MTSU.

It’s important that serious writers master this crucial and complex task, and I know you would benefit from it

I don’t know what to do now. I couldn’t stand the Modern English Grammar and Usage class when I had it two years ago, because I made such a dismal grade, and the constant diagramming of sentences drove me nuts.

I wish people would have told me that English wasn’t strong suit before I had entered college. I could have saved money and wasted less time.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I guess that’s not in the cards.