Taking out the garbage

I never enjoy talking to people about my problems, I always feel like I’m burdening people when I dish about my issues: stress, emotional and mental problems, etc. Today was different. I didn’t have much hope for my second counseling session, but I was my unease was quickly swept aside by a gentle soul who, thankfully, listened to me. Going back some fifteen years, I realized that the emotional and verbal abuse that I had endured for years was taking a toll on me in the present day. My mind continually remembers and replays the emotional distress caused by a father who sent me mixed messages a child: at once ridiculing me and then telling me he “loves me.” The confusion was absolute. Today my social worker enlightened me, “Chris, get rid of the garbage,” she said. “You’ve been carrying around this garbage of negativity and cynicism that happened so many years ago, let it go,” she implored me. “Get to know yourself, find out what you want to do.”

No longer do I have to please other people. I need to find out what want to do, and do it.

I was nervous about letting my guard down and talking to someone. I find now that it is a most liberating experience.

Coming to terms

Time has gone by and I have not touched my blog in so long. I’m not sure who I should apologize to more, WordPress, the blog, or myself?! I should be more mindful of keeping up the craft of writing. After all, I have a degree in English and a minor in writing, and I have complained so much that I don’t know what I can do with my degree. I should write.

Sadly, writing has not been on my mind very much. I have been incredibly busy with starting a new chapter of my life with my partner, Cleve. He and I have started a new adventure – moving in together. He signed on the dotted line for a condo nearly a month ago, and since then the process of “moving in” has been both exciting and incredibly terrifying, not to mention stressful! A new place, a new neighborhood, and new responsibilities. Now that I’m actually living with him at his new place, I have to take care of some bills. I cannot convey the immense pleasure I had in actually setting up utilities in my own name. Electric, gas, and cable (television and internet) that are mine, it is something of a right of passage, no? Not only does the responsibility make me feel like I’m growing up, it adds luster to my credit which is, as it should be, always good!  We also scoured furniture stores in town, in an attempt to gauge what our taste was, and after searching and searching we found a lovely grouping of furniture, it arrives today!!

In addition to new digs, I have also started a new job working for Verizon as a Customer Service Representative. The job itself has been quite a learning experience. From the training environment onto the production floor, the past month or so has tested me in various ways. My patience, resolve, and understanding have all been put to the absolute limit. Being a CSR is not for everyone and the only way to truly find out if indeed you are cut out is, of course, to be on the floor taking LIVE calls from customers. In my roll with Verizon, I am the be all and end all of technical support. With the varied tools the company has reps using, we are charged with assisting customers with any number of problems regarding the devices on their respective accounts.  That means getting cozy with many operating systems, juggling two computer screens, and a laundry list of programs to: notate a customer’s account, research an issue, and make sure the customer’s issue is resolved in a timely manner. This all this going on with moving in to a new place, buying furniture, and applying for utilities my nerves and stress level have skyrocketed beyond normal levels.

I have had to come to terms with stress and exactly how to manage it. I have now ventured into meditation, yoga, and I am walking again! So the past few weeks have been a big stressor, so what?! I have found new ways of dealing with the stress, and a new resolve to become a happier, healthier person.  I have also continued on my doctor prescribed Gluten Free diet, and I have found the more I shop for groceries myself the more options I have to make healthy meals!

I have also decided to enter counseling, so that I might be able to talk to someone about the things that trigger my stress and anxiety. For someone who doesn’t like to talk about things, I am quite introverted, this is a very BIG deal. My first session with a social worker was very productive and quite helpful. The lady I spoke with even congratulated me on opening up enough to speak with her, small victories.

My counseling session is after Easter and I’m actually excited about it.