No Gas.

It’s all just too much. 

I have lost all confidence in my ability to live my life, to do anything. The odd sensation is when your brain stops normal function, and you question what you are doing with your life and your very existence. Thirty-four years old and having both a mid-life and existential crisis simultaneously. 

My doctor wants me to step back from work and figure things out, like my medicine and psychological state. My sleep is wrecked. I am constantly worrying and stressed. My mind wanders around aimlessly. 

What am I supposed to do with myself? Where can I find answers? 

Everyone in my family is concerned about me. My depression and anxiety are all-consuming.

Recently, I spoke with my mother about my plight. She sat me down and asked, “What brings you pleasure?” It took me way too long to answer the question. I sat staring off into space for at least two minutes. 

Music brings me joy. I enjoy listening to it, buying it, and collecting it. I am forever browsing eBay and Discogs for albums I don’t have, or that “holy grail” album I have been itching for some seems like forever. 

I go on genre binges, buying and collecting albums from a specific, niche genre. Here lately, it’s been New Age, Ambient. Honestly, new age and ambient music have been a staple on my iTunes and Plex server for over ten years. 

I love rare tapes and albums that have seen the light of day maybe once or twice. I find that rare New Age tapes from the 1980s are fantastic. Albums that have the same feel as Ray Lynch’s masterpiece Deep Breakfast or Steve Roach’s Structures from Silence are what I love to find and listen to the most. 

When I’m stressed out, I listen to music. I lock myself in my room, turn on my stereo, sit back, and allow the music to wash over me. My music is akin to Linus’s blanket from Charlie Brown. I can’t seem to be without it. It brings me comfort and joy. 

My mother said, “if the music brings you joy, why don’t you write about it, or do a podcast, even DJ.” 

I don’t know where to begin even getting into radio, podcasting, etc. I have Masters’s degree in communication, yet I am afraid of stepping out and taking a chance. 

I have to go after opportunities; opportunities won’t come to me. Where does one begin doing something they love? How does someone do something that brings them joy as a career? 

I told my psychologist that I feel like a car without gas. The car works, it will turn on, but there is no forward movement. You can play with the accessories, turn the AC on, and run down the battery, but the vehicle will not move forward or backward. It is stuck. 

I can’t just buy confidence at Walgreens. I can’t purchase self-assurance. Honestly, I wish I could “fake til I make it.” I have never been able to succeed at that, however hard I try. 

I am not seeking an answer to my problems. I’m just trying to get my thoughts out—a stream of consciousness attempt to get the stress and anxiety out. As I type this out and listen to Goldfrapp’s 2010 album Head First on vinyl, my favorite track comes on, “I wanna life,” over my Bose speakers. 

“I wanna life, I want it now for ever..” 

Have you ever wanted a life but weren’t sure what you were doing with the one you have? 

I need something to give me petrol for the gas tank of my life. Is there a AAA for ones life? Is there a roadside assistance program for people’s whose life vehicles are need of help?

Do you ever feel like, it’s all just too much? That you’d like to turn off the world, just run away?

Barbra Streisand (The Concert)

What do you do with an MA in communication?

Years ago, I remembered singing the song from the musical Avenue Q, “What do you do with a BA in English?” and trying to come up with answers to the question I would inevitably be asked during job interviews. As employers would often ask me, “What can you do with a BA in English.” A person can do a lot of things. Write. Become a lawyer. Be a television producer.

One of my heroes, Rebecca Eaton, is a producer at PBS. She has a BA in English Literature and was a producer at the BBC before being hired by WGBH in Boston.

She produced Downton Abbey.

I completed my MA in Communication one year ago. That is an achievement that I am proud to see framed on my wall. I almost had a complete panic attack halfway through my program, frequently shouting, “I cannot do this.” Working full time and going to school full time is a lot to juggle. Work plus schoolwork can be incredibly challenging for some, and I thought the worst, “I cannot do this!” However, I kept going.

In a rut

Now, a year later, I feel stuck in a rut.

I am beleaguered by stress, anxiety, migraines, ADD/ADHD, etc.

Friends and family tell me, “do something you enjoy,” and “get a job in your field.”
I enjoy blogging, even though my original blog has so many cobwebs and needs a thorough dusting.I would love to write reviews for music. Music makes me happy and brings me joy. As tidying guru Marie Kondo would say, “If it brings you joy, keeps it.” Writing brings me joy, and music brings me joy.

I would love to fuse the two.

Yet here I am, thirty-four and an administrative assistant with a master’s degree. I have a job, and frankly, I suck at what I do. Despite colleagues telling me that I’m doing a good job, my boss doesn’t think so. I want to do more with my education where I am currently employed, but I have severe doubts about going further. Opportunities are slim pickings.

Resume after resume after..

I have spent more than $1k at fiverr.com begging for help in getting my resume retooled and rewritten for job applications. I have gone through countless writers and countless resume rewrites.

Always No.

One big world full of ‘no.’

Roxie Hart, Chicago

Everyone tells me to write my resume for the job I want. I have done that, but still, I am at a considerable loss. Each person on Fiverr tells me that I should be good with the resume and cover letter I have paid for them to rewrite. No.

I’m going to spend more time blogging about music and the musings that come to my mind. I never fully committed myself to do anything I enjoyed. That ends today.

C.

Farewell, iPod

Apple Inc. announced it was discontinuing the iPod – The device that revolutionized the way people listened to their music and the machine that spawned countless copies – The Microsoft Zune and the Dell DJ (I had two of those circa 2005). I have a whole thought about how much I adored Dell’s MusicMatch software versus iTunes… but I digress. 

The computer giant is discounting the iPod Touch. RIP iPod 2001-2022. I still have my 160GB iPod Classic in a closet somewhere. Irefresher.com touts a 1 to 4TB iPod for $600.00!

irefresher – iupgrader iPod

I have thought long and hard about reviving my old iPod but for what purpose. I have Apple Music, and I also have a subscription to SiriusXM. As cell phones get bigger and their storage capacity increases, the iPod is going the way of the VHS and Laserdisc player. Streaming is King. iPods will soon appear as museum fodder and in the 99 cents or less bin at the local Goodwill. No doubt the original iPod and every single iteration afterward will be with Gen Zers on YouTube, extolling with glee, “what a cool, old piece of technology this is.” While the rest of us groan in nostalgia – much in the same vein that Vaporwave videos on YouTube make any over forty wistfully recall the days of hanging out at the mall and carrying around a SONY Walkman. Remember those – malls and the Walkman? 

Google Search, Vangelis

Music is an integral part of my life. Even the recent news that Greek music composer, Vangelis, 79, died on May 17 hurts profoundly. Vangelis scored Chariots of Fire and Blade Runner. Chariots of Fire won Vangelis the Academy Award in 1981 for best score. It is always so sad when musicians, composers, and lyricists pass. Yes, it is a fate that befalls all of us. But, musicians and composers leave behind a rich legacy of compositions, recordings, and scores. Also, those in the music business often see an uptick in popularity on iTunes. Not to be macabre or anything; it’s just what happens. When Michael Jackson, Prince, Whitney Houston, and Donna Summer died, their albums and greatest hits collections were given prime spots on iTunes. I am sure the same will be for Vangelis and his beautiful scores. So, too, for the late, great Naomi Judd, who sadly lost her battle with mental illness on April 30, 2022. The Judds sang that “Love can build a bridge,” so, too, can music. 

Musical bridges

An instrumental musical bridge is that lovely part in a song that ties two sections together. With the strife in Eastern Europe between Ukraine and Russia dragging on and on, it is nice to know that in the classical music world, Ukrainian musicians are being highlighted left and right. One of my favorite operas Puccini’s Turandot, opened at The Metropolitan Opera in New York in late April 2022 to much fanfare as Princess Turandot is Ukrainian soprano, Liudmyla Monastyrska. Monastyrska replaced famed Russian soprano Anna Netrebko in the title role. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to see a live performance at the MET in New York, that is not in the cards. I listened to the May 7th Broadcast on MET Opera Radio on SiriusXM. 

While I love listening to opera on the radio, I genuinely wish the commentators would talk less and allow us to listen more. At the end of the performance, the one commentary I enjoyed was hearing the description of Turandot appearing on stage draped in a Ukraine flag, repeating her opening night current call homage to her homeland. 

In more classical music news, The Oklahoma Chamber Symphony hosted a benefit for Ukraine last Saturday, May 21, at 7:30 pm at St. Stephens’ Presbyterian Church. All proceeds from the free benefit concert was donated to the international committee for the Red Cross Ukraine Crisis Fund. The news items are a delight to read by typing in google “Ukraine Symphony.” This summer, tributes, concerts, and Ukrainian-born artists performing with the celebrated Dallas Symphony and at the BBC Proms are just the first page of the results. Just because two countries have conflict doesn’t mean the world cannot pray and play for peace. 

As I said before, music is a massive part of my life. I always have a SiriusXM playing in the background at work or listening to my extensive music library on Plex. I am forever buying music in all forms and conditions: cassettes, vinyl, CDs, new, used, etc. I belong to more Music groups on Facebook than I can count, and I’m always searching YouTube on how I can improve my Hi-fi setup. 

I went to college with three ideas in mind: 

1. learn how to write for the web
2. learn how to edit my work 
3. amalgamate my love of music and writing into a career 

I’m not sure that blogging is the right way to pursue a passion, but it must be better than doing something you don’t enjoy or that does not fuel or challenge you. 

I definitely need to get my foot in the door of music reviewing, talking about my love of music and what I collect—reviewing albums for fun, for major media outlets and websites. One of my heroes is Joe Marchese, the editor at The Second Disc. I wonder what he would think of the excel spreadsheet I have for my growing collection. 

C.

Finally Time

When do you decide to actually tackle something you have been putting off for years?

When do you decide that now is the right time? Why was yesterday or last week not the right time?

Graduate School, finally.

These questions I have been grappling with for at least three years now. However, I have finally taken the step toward furthering my education. I have decided to get a Masters degree in Communication. I waited because I did not believe I had the brains or the courage to tackle another degree. A masters degree will be my fourth degree overall.

I want to further my education because I do not feel I can reach my full potential with the skill set I currently have. Most of the professional jobs I am attracted to want a candidate with a Masters degree or equivalent experience. So, here I am filling out applications for Masters programs in Communication. I’m nervous, scared, and very excited because I truly miss being in college.

I am so eager to finally start blogging regularly. I always say that but I never stick to anything. Now that I am actively seeking a Masters degree, I think it is time to actually challenge myself and stick to a schedule of regularly blogging weekly.

I also want to polish my editing skills and by polish I truly mean be ABLE to edit my work and not have pieces littered with grammatical errors all over the place.

School starts in January 2019. I am so ready!!!

I’ve never juggled a full-time job and full-time school before. This should be really interesting!

Fonts, wonderful fonts!

I have become shamelessly addicted to buying/downloading fonts from all over the interwebs. Since I edit my company’s diversity council newsletter, I am always looking for fonts that are sharp, professional and easy to read. That has lead me down a rabbit hole. I’m always looking up fonts going, “Ooooo, I really like that.”

Tonight, even, I educated my mother on terms serif and sans-serif.  A serif is a small line attached to the end of a stroke in a letter or symbol. A typeface with serifs is called a serif typeface. A typeface without serifs is called sans-serif or sans serif, from the French sans, meaning “without.” I remember learning all about fonts in my visual communication classes at MTSU and I was eager to share my knowledge with my mother. She had no idea what I was talking about but I gave her real world examples – one being my resume and the other my council newsletter. Surprisingly, she was very impressed but I am afraid the new found knowledge of fonts and font families was lost on her. Although, she did ask if I could help her with her resume. I guess that’s a plus, right?

 

 

Dusting off the cobwebs

I have not touched my wordpress blog in what seems like an eternity. Who am I kidding, it has been an eternity. I’ve been busy with work and my life. Actually, no. I have not been busy with my life, instead I have been trying to figure out my life. I have kept telling myself, “I need to get back on my blog” but I have always come up with so many excuses. I’m too busy or I’m too tired.  But to my delight, I was reading an article on flipboard (I love the flipboard app on my iPhone) about how writing consistently and daily is a process and that in the beginning you’re “supposed to suck.”

 I want you to know I sincerely believe you can get better. If I’m capable of ascending from the depths of suckiness, so are you.

This article entitled “How to Write Consistently and Show Up Every Single Day (Even When You Don’t Feel Like It)” is really enlightening and I loved reading it. Obviously I loved it, because I am back here posting after, how long has it been two years? Anyway, I am glad I have returned to my blog.. I’m not exactly going to be a musing english major as I once was, but I would like to actually regularly blog.

Until next time..

 

Sick

Have you ever felt so depressed and so low that you did not want to go on, to continue anymore? I have felt like that for several days. The past few months have really been difficult for me. I have not had any real forward movement on the job front. I keep applying and applying and I do get interviews, but I do not hear anything back.

Food for thought…

My doctor enlightened me to something I had not thought about. He said, “you’re depressed, you’re desperate for a job and that can come across in your behavior, your resumé, how you conduct yourself.” I had never thought of that before. I do not know why I had not. My doctor was also nice enough to understand the challenges I’m having in attempting to find gainful employment. The strange thing is I discounted his words. In my mind I was like, “sure, he has medical degree and probably have never been without a job.” When I told him I how I admitted to having thoughts of suicide, he was quite concerned and asked, “did you have a plan?” – I am ashamed to say that yes, yes I had a plan. I didn’t act on it obviously, as I am still among the living.

I do want to feel this way anymore. Being depressed hurts, nothing is fun. The usual things I enjoyed doing, like going to a record store and browsing through records, I do not enjoy anymore. I’m blah. Down. Depressed. The constant chorus of “how’s the job hunt?” has truly broken me. I want a job, really. I desperately want a job but I’m either NOT experienced enough or overqualified.. I’m just, I feel stuck.

My doctor said that I should have goals. He wants me to get exercising again, which I have woefully putting off for a while. Well, when you’re depressed you do want to go anywhere or do anything. So, yes I want to get back to walking regularly and perhaps lose some weight. I just want to feel like my old self again.

I owe a lot to my doctor. He told me that while I am sick, and should really discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone, he reassured me that my situation is not a hopeless one.

If my situation isn’t hopeless then why do I feel like it is?

 

Bothering me…

Since graduating in December I have had a lot of things on my mind. So much has been bothering me of late both personal and otherwise. However, I have not had the courage to write about anything. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suggested that I write down three things that are most bothering me and then write out a paragraph for which one, explaining why it bothers me. I thought that was a good idea so here I go.

Negativity:  Ever since I was in high school I have always had a cynical/negative attitude toward everything in my life. I always seem to have something to say, or have an overwhelming need to have the last word. I don’t particularly understand how some people can be positive and see the the best of everything, and yet here I am negative, or as one old friend said to me once , “you’re a dark cloud.” Ever since I graduated I have found that in regards to job applications, interviews, or the lack of movement on either, I am increasingly negative and moody. On Facebook friends have tried to assist expressing variants of “I’m sure things will turn around.” Part of me wants to believe that, but another part of me is saying, “yeah, whatever.” It is this, the negative part of me that I want to, at the very least, quell in some fashion. But how? Be more positive? Wake up and shout to my bedroom ceiling, “I’m going to be positive?” I’ve done that before. Maybe I should keep doing it. Being negative certainly does not help my relationships with people. I’ve been called an asshole and a jackass and I know exactly why – it’s my negative attitude and outlook on life. It gets in the way of everything.

Life post-college: I’ve graduated from college three times. The last two times have been horrific. I have struggled to find a job that utilizes my degree or skills I have acquired. These days I’m either under-qualified or overqualified. I don’t get it. I know the job market is sluggish. Employers are hiring, but there is just something about either my resume or application that turns employers off. I have struggled for the past few months to crack the code. What exactly IS it that I’m doing wrong. I have asked countless people but no one seems to be able to help. Am I looking for jobs? Yes. Every. Single. Day.  Job postings like selling insurance, or a door-to-door salesperson. What is it that I want to do? I want to help people navigate social media. I would love to work in social media for a company, it doesn’t matter if the company be large or small. Why social media? I know it, I love it and I feel at home in the world of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I proudly have a certification in HootSuite Social Media Management. I just want a real chance to use my skills.

One of my biggest fears – having my degrees just sit on the wall. I want to be able to use my degrees and I fear that they will just remain framed, on the wall, and collect dust. Do universities refund students that cannot or do not find jobs with their education? They should. See? I’m being negative! Make it stop.

Needing Closure: I have this annoying and persistent need for closure, especially when things go sour and I cannot make amends. When I make a mistake I always try to fix things to the best of my ability. Last fall during my last semester I had a terrific internship with a local marketing firm as a social media intern. This internship should have been the door to a “real” job. It could have landed me a job. Sadly I did not make a great show of myself and finished my last semester of college with less than pleasant feedback from my manager, the company’s communication director. I didn’t perform as a team player, I was shy, didn’t ask the necessary questions, and because I was so frazzled I made huge mistakes. There was no closure. There was nothing at the end. No good-bye. No “thanks, but no thanks.” Nothing. I did graduate but there was always a cloud hovering over me. I do not regret my time as an intern. I learned a lot of valuable things about the industry, about marketing, and most importantly about myself. I just wish I could apologize and prove myself a team player, eager to learn.

Why do I need closure? I just wish I could just redo that whole thing….

 

 

Déjà vu

It seems like I have been in this position before – I have recently graduated from college and now I am looking for job. Yes, I have been in this same position before. Only this time I have graduated with my third degree, a second bachelor’s degree, and I am still finding it very difficult to find a job, or actually any job for that matter.

This is exactly how I feel right now.

It is so frustrating to continually put out my resume, applications, cover letters and the like in hopes, extraordinarily desperate hope, that something will pan out. Sadly, I have found myself getting feedback on jobs in the realm of marketing. I do not have a degree in marketing. My second degree is in new media communication, with an emphasis in social media/new media. However, jobs along those lines are few and far between.

I have my resume everywhere. Literally, everywhere. Monster, Indeed, CareerBuilder, LinkedIn and anywhere else I can think of. I’m constantly trying to figure things out and asking things like: “Why can I get land a job that compliments my degree?” “What am I doing wrong?” I am having huge doubts about my ability to land a good job, specially with how hard I’m trying. I graduated nearly two months ago. According to research and a seminar class I took during my last semester, it takes anywhere from three to five months to find a job after graduation. I’m very impatient. I want a career. I want to be able to make money, pay off bills.

I want a job!!! Hire me.

 

Learning so much!

A lot has been happening since my last post. I am currently in my last semester of school. Here again, I am taking my last twelve hours for yet another degree. This time though I’m also doing a 200 hour internship at a local marketing firm. I had originally written off the idea of interning. I have heard that interning is such a good idea, especially in regards to real world experience. It is so true, and I am learning so much at my internship. My brain is like a sponge, soaking everything up. I’m relearning HTML code, learning how Facebook does ads and marketing. I love the firm I’m interning for, too. The entire staff is friendly, welcoming and is truly delightful.

I have a little over two more months to go until I have a third degree and second bachelor’s degree.

phugoid motion

It’s great when you’re married and yet life seems to be in a downward spiral. You’re struggling to find a job even though you have countless applications out, and even though you go to interviews you don’t get second or third appointments. Your husband works more than 70 hours a week and is exhausted. You have no time together, no time or money for anything special and even barely enough money to pay for every day essentials. Your husband is trying his best to work, even though he has an illness that may never fully go away, and yet he arrives home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I spend sleepless nights filling out job applications, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry hoping, praying, begging for positive things to happen, for there to be light at the end of what has been a very, very long and aphotic tunnel.

I am so tired of people saying “hang in there” or “be positive.” Until you’ve lived the life my husband and I have — when you’re drowning in debt, unsure of how you’re going to pay the bills, put food on the table, or when it seems like your dreams and hopes are continually buried under bills and notices, please do not say a word.

We are doing what we can, but it isn’t enough. I have no idea where I am going wrong on job applications or interviews. I wish I knew where I was going wrong, seriously. I  hate feeling like I am doing nothing to help. I understand my lack of a job, or any real working experience is contributing to this mess, not mention putting Cleve in an early grave.